Sorry It's Been Two Years....

I don't even know where to start... it's been two years since I have even thought about putting my thoughts down in writing. There have been so many things that have happened in the last two years since my first (and only) blog post, and while I am not going to be talking about every single thing, I'm going to try to hit the major highlights and things that have really affected me.

*Disclaimer: some stories may contain vague details as a form of self-protection. This blog is not being posted in order to draw attention, pity, sympathy, or whatever else that could be thought. This is simply just a place for me to dump all these thoughts inside my head.*

Honestly, the only way I know how to begin this novel of a post is to tell you that there is going to be more negativity than positivity here because from about September 2018 to just here recently... my life has felt like a living hell. You're probably rolling your eyes right now and thinking, "omg, don't be so dramatic." But trust me, I wish it had been different.

So if you happen to go back and read my first post, I mentioned that after I had moved back home, I had accepted a conditional job offer with a great agency. I completed the hiring process and worked as a Communications Officer (dispatcher) for the Oklahoma Highway Patrol in Troop E (Southeast Oklahoma) from October 2017 until the end of May 2018. I loved this position and especially the troopers I worked with. It was like trying to herd cats but hey, at least it was never boring.

June 4th, 2018 was my first day at police department in the North Texas area. I was SO excited for this new start in a new city. I've loved the area since I was a little girl and when I was presented with an opportunity to work down there, I honestly thought this was the place where I was meant to establish my career, maybe (finally) meet someone to settle down with, and this would be the place where I planted some roots... But none of these things would ever come close to coming true. There were ideas thrown around and plans made to further my career, but in reality those plans were never going to come into fruition. People were not who they said they were. There were claims and accusations made with no proof to back it up. Missing documents, petty drama, the list goes on. There are too many details to explain exactly how my new world came slowly crashing down around me, but I can honestly say that I have never felt more naive, manipulated, used, depressed, angry, hopeless, humiliated, and like a failure. And trust me; I am not casting all the blame on others and I am not writing this to drag anyone or anything through the mud. I made my own fair share of mistakes and I fully believe my karma will come around, but there were some things that happened that no human deserves to be put through. I had completely uprooted and moved my life, left a wonderful job, turned down a different job that would have benefited my career more, and here I was in January 2019 (sick with the flu) with no job, no income to pay bills that still had to be paid, and no backup plan. I met some of the most incredible people I have ever known during my time with the PD, but I also met some of those that are quite the opposite and I just hope and pray by meeting those people, it was a lesson that God wanted me to learn the hard way. I lost friendships that I thought would have lasted a lifetime, and that by itself would have devastated me at any other time, but during this time, it absolutely crippled me. There were some days that I literally could not get out of bed because of everything going on. And because I got the flu for a second time, two weeks later.

But I swear to you, there are real life angels walking on this earth and three of them are my mother, father, and sister. As well as the rest of my family, but what my mom and dad have done for me in the four months since everything happened, is something that I will never be able to thank them enough for or be able to physically pay them back. They keep saying, "You don't have to pay us back, this is what momma's and daddy's do." But I don't think they fully understand just how much what all they're doing for me means. And I know I damn sure don't tell them enough how much it means. They could just say, "You're 25 years old, you just need to find another job and find a way to make ends meet." But they have gone above and beyond what parents should do for their child. There are no words that I could say that are sufficient enough to thank them. But mom, dad, and Lexi.. I love you to the moon and back. And please always remember that, especially on my bad, cranky, ungrateful, leave-me-alone days.. I promise one day I'll outgrow those.  

As for right now, I'm still floating day by day and trying to figure out what the best course of action should be. My lease for my apartment is finished at the end of May (I tried to get out of it in February, but didn't have an extra $6k to drop on lease termination fees), I'm moving back to momma and daddy's house for awhile... and I've struggled with that and the idea that I am, in fact, 25 years old and moving back into my parents house for the second time. But I've gotten over that feeling and now I am grateful that I have a place to go back to and people to lean on until I can be on my own two feet again. But, I'm not sad about leaving my new city, there's a quote that I saw recently that I believe wholeheartedly embodies how I feel about leaving.

I want nothing more than to make my parents proud of me and I think that's why I've been so hard on myself for how everything at Frisco ended. I'm focusing on looking at jobs that I know I would be happy to accept without bargaining chips, and no longer settling for something in hopes of moving up in the future. And I am also considering going back to grad school and getting my master's degree in some form of investigations.

One of the biggest things I've struggled with throughout this whole thing is comparison. Comparing myself to others that I see on social media. Comparing my timeline of being single, no job, ect. to those my age who are engaged, married, have children, ect. I compare myself daily and wonder why haven't I found someone to like me for me (but trust me, I'm working on being a better "me"), why I haven't found my perfect dream job yet, blah blah blah... I constantly have to remind myself that God has a plan for me and there is no way I could know what's on that plan. I need to stop trying to control everything going on around me and follow His lead because when the time is right, everything will fall into place. I've completely let my relationship with God fall to the wayside since being in Frisco and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm seeing this whole ordeal as a MASSIVE wakeup call to make me realize I need to get it together and trust in Him. That is much easier said than done but it's something I'm working on everyday and hope to become better at.

To my girls that have held me up when I felt like falling down, your friendship means nothing short of everything to me. Friendships need to be cherished and people should never forget how much they mean to you. Life is short, so make it sweet. (I stole that from the band Old Dominion butttt, it's relevant). And it's not just my girls I have to thank, I have several male friends that have lifted me up too. It's funny having platonic friendships with the opposite sex because I know I can lay out all my worries and issues going on at the moment and they can come right back and be like, "really? That ain't sh*t to worry about", and just completely put me in my place. It's a healthy balance and I'm just as grateful for those guys. I think with being in a male-dominated career field, it's good to have those girls you can go to and those guys you can to as well because sometimes the other group just doesn't get it. Whether it be more work related or emotionally related, you just gotta have those people you can vent it all out to. 

Idk, I reckon this brings me to the end of my vent session... and if you've made it this far, I thank you kindly! I hope this doesn't come across as whiny, complaining, sympathy searching or anything else of that nature. But honestly, I don't care about what it comes across as to anyone else. This was so therapeutic to me and I didn't think it would be... this may not be something I use as a regular outlet to let out my thoughts but it's nice to know this is something that can give me some peace of mind. If you feel like it, leave me a comment or send me an email and let me know your thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, or anything else you might have after reading my post. You can be brutally honest; I promise I can take it.

I hope you come back and maybe it won't take me another two years to write a depressing post but hey, it's life so what can you do (insert shrugging girl emoji). Please know there have been plenty of positive things happen in the midst of all this chaos, and so so so many life lessons and realizations of the kind of person I want to be. It has never been all negative, but lately they had outweighed the positives. But I am making a promise to myself to make sure there are more ups than downs from now on and I need all of you to hold me accountable. Deal?

I'm sending out all my love,

Tay

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Naborshood Update #1

I really don't know how to "word" this correctly, so I'm just going to write my story as if I was talking to you one-on-one. It seems like life has been a rollercoaster for about a year now, but for the purpose of this blog, we'll just stick with a life update from the last six months or so. Just like a rollercoaster, there's going to be a lot of ups and downs so I hope you can hang on... this could also be lengthy so I apologize in advance.

Let's go back to about November 2016 (this is more than six months ago but I promise I'll jump ahead soon). I was so freakin' excited to finally graduate after four years at the University of Central Oklahoma and move onto the next chapter of my life. UCO offers classes that are online and self-paced so as long as you turn in all the assignments by the assigned due date, you should be golden. To try and make a long story short, I was in one of these classes that I needed for Spanish II and I turned everything into my professor by the due date, WITHOUT having ever gotten one response from my multiple emails that I had sent her asking for help. Can you guess what happens next? My professor failed me. I didn't do things in the right order, according to her. I cheated, according to her. I showed a lack of responsibility and maturity by not doing as I was told, according to her. Keep in mind.... I couldn't get an email back from her until the class was over.

December 2016, the month I am set to graduate. I am in contact with every office and faculty staff member I can possibly think of to see what I could do about my grade because it would prevent me from graduating. Finally, after several days of running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I found out that I could still walk in the graduation ceremony while I appealed my grade. And you bet your bottom dollar that's what I dang sure did. I went ahead and enrolled in another Spanish II class (with a different professor) for the spring semester cause I knew I couldn't get an answer on my appeal before the new semester started. This is the only class I took during the Spring 2017 semester because I was only lacking those four credit hours that I had "failed". I never heard back from the Board of Academic Appeals until after Spring Break!! They had denied me my right to an oral hearing and my appeal was dismissed. I was no longer allowed to appeal against that professor or that class. Good thing I had already enrolled in the other Spanish class, right? Wrong. I pass my Spring Spanish II class and am so glad to have that ordeal behind me. I receive an email about two weeks after the class ended saying that I had been removed from graduation (for the second time) because I did not meet GPA requirements. Now, let me tell you.... I threw a fit. A big one. Come to find out, the class that I had just finished was the wrong class, it was NOT the same as the one I failed, and because I still had the "F" on my transcript, my criminal justice GPA had fallen below the required average for graduation.

Please try to imagine the frustration, anger, disappointment, failure, and downright tiredness I felt. All this was going on while I was dealing with some professional issues at work, still grieving the entirety of what 2016 had brought about, still trying to understand the situation where there was some drug slipped in my drink at a club during the spring semester, and I was contemplating leaving Edmond to move back home to Durant for awhile. The past year or so has been full of nothing but life changes for everyone in my family, we had kind of all been in a state of limbo for a good while.

I lived alone in Edmond so I know what loneliness feels like, but during the time that all of this was occurring; I felt a loneliness like I have never known. I have the world's best support system in my family and friends but this was something I knew they couldn't physically help me with. I believe the lowest I have ever been in my faith was during this period. I lost hope, and was dead set on trying to control everything around me.

June 2017, my mom goes out to Phoenix, Arizona for a cancer checkup just like she has done every six months for the past six years. She gets a good report and all is well... until the following Monday. She gets a call that the radiologist hadn't read her CT scan in time before mom had left but they had discovered a "spot" on her right lung and she was going to need to come back out to have more testing done to determine what the spot was and what the next course of action would be. My world crumbled around me, yet again. I'm still dealing with not having technically graduated and after fighting tooth and nail with everyone I came into contact with at UCO, I learn that I have to take one more class, online and over the summer, to raise my GPA up above where it needs to be. I'm not happy about it, but I do it. I have also been given the news that I have precancerous tissue growing in my cervix but we're going to need to wait until December to see if it has grown, spread, or disappeared on its own, if not... we start treatment.

Here I am, a 23 year old, kinda college graduate, working a part time job and trying to make ends meet every single month, living alone three and a half hours away from all my family. Financially, it sucked. Physically, it sucked. Emotionally, it sucked. Mentally, it sucked. I felt like the life was being drained out of me. My parents had posed the option of moving back home right after my class ended in May, just for a little while to help ALL of us financially, I would be here to help out around the house, I could be here for my sister's senior year of high school, really.. There weren't many cons to the plan. I could not commit to going through with it. I've lived on my own for the past four years and to move back home to my parent's house without a plan in mind? Yeah, right... I'd rather struggle for awhile and see what comes along. It had nothing to do with not being around my family, it just wasn't the way I had envisioned my life to pan out. But we all know that none of us are in charge of our life course. When I got the call about the possible lung cancer, that's what became the decision maker. I was coming back home. I had the hardest time coming to terms with leaving my friends, leaving my freedom, leaving a job where I thoroughly enjoyed the work even with the issues that presented themselves.  I don't think there's a word to describe what I was feeling as I was packing up my life from the past four years into boxes. I knew this move wasn't permanent but still... it hit me hard. I knew God was testing me and leading me in this direction for a reason, and while I still don't know what that reason is, I'm placing my heart, my soul, and all of my trust in His hands that I will see the lesson in this someday.

Fast forward to right now, August 2017. I've lived back at home for a little over a month now. I'm still adjusting but it has been good to be around my family again. My mom ended up getting a wonderful report and the spot on her lung is completely gone and she doesn't have to go back for another checkup for a YEAR!! This is the first time we've ever gotten that so we're all ecstatic. I finished my class and got an email yesterday saying that I have been awarded my degree(s) and they will be mailed out at the end of this month (FINALLY). I am in the hiring process and have accepted a conditional offer of employment for a great job that will give me wonderful experience, for when an opportunity for my dream job presents itself. I have felt a change in my faith since being back and I have realized that I was stupid to push it to the back-burner. I've still got a long ways to go... but I'm adjusting and taking it day by day. One thing I do know for sure is, I have people that, because of their love for me, they would move heaven and earth for me and that is priceless. I couldn't ask for more.

That's the latest of what's been going on in my naborshood for now! Check back next week and I'm sure I'll have more stories to share. Until then.. see you later, alligator!